THE SOMATIC STRIP CLUB FOR THE SOUL: WHO'S NEXT

I viscerally have a response to people who heal so publicly that they make entire livings off of it.

And at the same time, when I am in the quietest of corners, all by myself: I am grateful to some of these vulnerable a.f. corners for saving my life. Especially when I personally know the cost of what it means to follow through on a Whisper within oneself to offer of oneself.

The memoirs on recovery and trauma and surviving and the ugliest of ugliest admittances: it's like my body can finally exhale because I no longer have to be the only one 1) thinking about it 2) having a flashback about it 3) holding it.

It's everything that my last relationship didn't let me hold in my body. It's everything that my last relationship shamed me for. There was no space for Freeze State. For my Gentle Retreating Child Self. When I went into Freeze State, I got blamed. The person I was with got mad at me, would lose their temper with me, would take their frustration out on me. And it just Froze Me Up Even More. Which only made their temper worse. But by then, I was already enamored with how I had finally met someone who MATCHED my level of adventure, magic, and, romance. By the time I met their temper, I was already groomed by the magic. What we were missing was the trauma-informed care.

The incredibly sexy thing about being single is that I gaslight myself for no one and my body knows this luxury now. And it's fucking sexy. Being intentionally single does not mean that I do not have Powerhouse Heroes in my life who I care for and who care for me and who we provide immense pleasure and adventure for. Being intentionally single does mean that my heart is intentionally reserved for WHEN it is safe to be in love someone again and that is to not be rushed. I don't lie to myself anymore. MY SAFETY IS MY CROWN NOW. And I do not give that freely. My Safety is Earned. And I do not love you unless I feel safe. My body knows this luxury: to become attached to you, I have to feel safe with you.

As I heal from this person, I realize how they studied what made me feel safe: they referred to themselves as a "quick study" after all. They talked shit about every. single. person. they. ever. dated. I ignored those red flags. Because: romance. magic. queer. pleasure. adventure.

I think the only person I can see myself with at this point is a Tantric Trauma-Informed Somatic-Therapist Who is Just As Into Edging As I Am (Sweaty Panting-Face Emoji).

When I write here, I feel God. I feel other people. I feel the people who are supposed to find me. Who I am supposed to find. I feel brave. I feel worthy. I feel honest.

I know what happened to me in that last relationship behind closed doors and I shudder for Whoever's Next. Let me rephrase. I shudder if that person has a Freeze Response like mine and needs Softness. I feel like the next movement of Me Too is Who's Next.

And with that, it's out of my body and I release the shame, embarrassment, and shunning that makes me feel captive to isolation in silence. The insidious nature of how interracial supremacy in relationships goes unnamed. How they put my lights out. How being in a predominantly white community where I hadn't a single friend to talk to about it just made it feel...well...like Get Out. And now I spiral back up, brighter and more healed. I gather the pieces of Me back that make me sparkle, that the community never got to see or appreciate. They absolutely know not what they do. The journey it leads me to is no more Gaslighting: not for society, not for my audiences, not for my the Institutions who hire me: Because the Spell I cast here is: Honesty. Heathful Detox. I purge with intention, to get Me Back. The Strongest Version of Me.

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