What my CPTSD has taught me

I'll always remember:

Rocking back and forth while crossing my arms and gripping my biceps.

I squeezed my "muscles"

...

My arms...

I was shaking.

Right -- Not so much shaking as I was rocking back and forth.

Crying...

in front of my iPhone

Because I was in therapy.

With my CBT Therapist.

I had no idea what I weighed.

I was not yet the 105 I was about to be in a couple of weeks from completely losing my appetite.

The ideation was HEAD-ON.

The crying was FULL-FLEDGED.

I was squeezing my biceps, crossed-arms...out of...out of...not knowing what else to do with my body.

My workout clothes were loose on me. The leggings were loose...

I really didn't know it was a problem...

I didn't know if I had an eating disorder...

I just knew I didn't have much of an appetite for...anything...

Not for life
Not for friendship
Not for going outside
Not for sleeping
Not for feeling seen
Not for talking to anyone I knew
I truly did not know that reaching out to someone was an option.

I didn't even know I wasn't really sleeping to be honest...

I thought the loss of appetite...was...kind of exciting...because it was like having a new...regimen...

The only thing I could get out of me was my music.

Music was always there. To help me make sense of something.

Right now though, I was in Therapy. On Zoom. With my CBT Therapist.

"Can you help me understand what's happening? I can't stop crying. And I don't know what's wrong."

The rocking continued.

She answered: "I think this may be PTSD."

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Everything clicked. Taking Shovels out for a walk felt like: working a 10 hour work day at a job that I never applied for: PTSD. I'm light-headed: PTSD. I don't feel like eating: PTSD. This world is TERRIBLE: PTSD. I don't trust anything: PTSD. I don't trust my own ability to talk to anyone right now: PTSD. I don't trust myself outside, I don't trust myself inside: PTSD. I stretch and I cry: PTSD. I don't stretch and I have a panic attack: PTSD. All I want is for the Pain to end. The Pain being the Tears, the Dark Mistrust for all of Humanity. The Feeling Like Nothing is Going to Get Better and This is Just Life and the Only Thing I Can Be Excited About is the Fact that These Cheetah Print Bike Shorts are Loose and I'm Not Sure Why. I don't know how many more tears I can possibly cry. PTSD from being promised care and being overworked capacity, and not being allowed to talk about it. PTSD from being cut off the next day by someone who promised care and ending things the next day. PTSD from my magical Shovels being Godzilla'ed by a HUGE DOG on the Subway and getting 5 stitches to the tongue, and surviving a neck puncture, and head wound, and 7 hours at the Vet and whatever happened down in the Basement Emergency Room which included him getting shaved over his wounds. CPTSD from childhood and being Korean-American. Periodt.

The Law of Attraction and Manifestation Techniques would say that I brought it upon myself. That I need to take the radical responsibility of attracting dishonest partners, a Large Dog of a Heroin Addict, childhood molestation, Korean-American Parents who were never equipped to hold that nor who were able to feed us three steady meals a day, and for not protecting myself better from the Shadow Side of the Entertainment Industrial Complex -- and that I have too much a Victim Mindset. That I spew out too much Negativity: and that's why I suffered what I have suffered in 2024.

Perhaps.

And Also:

I'm not going to Gaslight myself in my Radically Sexy AF and Honest AF Corner of the World that I have secured for myself. Audre Lorde became known for writing her truth. And Empowering the Truth.

I will not spiritually bypass the truth. MY Truth.

MY TRUTH IS LIT AF.

I love the music I made and make. Before, During, and After this Weird Fucking Chapter of My Life.

I speak so gently to myself now, in ways that I never have before.

I am the most affectionate and queer to the bone than ever before.

This is the Gunk that needs to come out.

And we all have Gunk.

It's all a part of us.

What I expose into the light is what heals.

What I no longer hold in my body no longer holds its weight in shame, embarrassment, and guilt anymore. I become a stronger and more vibrant artist. And no, journaling doesn't do it for me. I want my re-crystallization witnessed because I know that I am not alone in my journey to BREADTH, LIGHT.

It is my friends who helped me through. It will be Queer Kin who will always be the ones that allow me to breathe fully. It will always be the dissection of Queer Kin from Queer Kin that makes us feel: Unworthy and Trapped in a Space where We Just Don't Feel like we fit. It will always be the push past Capacity towards an unrealistic Goal driven by an unrealistic Capital Gain that breaks our bodies, and our hearts. It is Connection, Laughter, Enjoyment that is meant to be our NEUTRAL. That's HOME. That's the SOUL at EASE.

And I was somewhere in a Stratosphere where the Code-Switching caught up to me. And my body simply got sick.

PTSD taught me that: SOMATIC SHIT IS DOPE AF. I am attracted to music and I love my taste in music because I have FEELINGS. And my feelings need to be tended to. I love music, because I love moving, I love people, I love touching people who feel safe and good to me, I love connecting with people who are weird and soft and funny. I need to somatically rock everyday AND GOD DOES IT FEEL GOOD WHEN I ROCK IT OUT. COMPASSION is phenomenal. And I can notice when someone is feeling triggered: And I understand now when a person is in a part of themselves and when I need to give them space, so I can protect the shit out of my nervous system and not got damaged by a slung arrow. This country is led by people in power who are in denial about their PTSD.Once I had that wake-up call, I felt powerful: the power is very much in the hands of those who prioritize true-to-the-core healing: it is their bodies that will win out in the long run.

CPTSD (Complex PTSD) has taught me the following:

1) Human Touch and Somatically moving my body so I can reset my nervous system will give me what Therapy does: belonging.
2) When I act, I need to stretch and do somatic exercises before and after: so that I'm in my body and so that I release before, during, and after.
3) The feminine mystique is real and powerful. And we set our limits. "I'm at capacity."
4) Trusting my magic, using my magic, accepting my magic, combining my magic with other people's magic who also accept their magic is magical.
5) Trusting my wounds, accepting my wounds, hugging myself when I feel my wounds. Being around other people who are honest about their wounds: THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT. People who are dishonest about their wounds: that's...bound to bleed out...
6) Writing here.
7) Being able to name why I am writing here.
8) Tending to my Creativity and Prioritizing it because I was born with the Brain Chip I was born with: to be a Creative. It's never going to go away. It's Wounds that make me feel like I can't share.
9) Becoming Honest about What Spaces Truly Help me Breathe.

​

If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can Join My Underground Corner on Patreon or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.​