It's a moment like this that makes me feel grateful for surviving taking myself out. Because I have compassion for those who feel so much pain inside that they feel the need to take themselves out - I understand why the systems in place would drive people to take themselves out. I see ideation as neurodiversity. I see Hollywood as a Gauntlet. I see what I write here as a Casting of Spells. I see my Artistry as Sorcery. I see a Collection of Artists as Game F*cking On. I see the Rise of Truth Seekers as Healing the F*cking Planet and Finding Our Pulse and Saving the Lives of Queer and Trans and Femme Brethren. I am not watching the News anymore because I don't think we have enough Queer and Femme Bodies in the News Rooms. I'm tending to the Underground. That's my Service in this War. And we are in a Warzone. The Planet is a Warzone. It's why it hurts. It's why we are desperate to come together. It's why being alone feels scary sometimes. And I have to make the best of it. Raise the Vibration with what is there. Right Now. Denial isn't Serving Me. I think I have to turn towards Accepting that: things are just: F*cking Scary right now. And we will catch Light when we can.

And we will create with what we have.

And celebrate and elevate the truth when we can. And when a speech like this happens. When a Woman like Demi Moore stands and claims on stage that she has been in the Business for 45 Years and has never won an Award or been acknowledged by the Industry - can admit in front of everyone that she was told she was a "Popcorn Actress" by a Producer -- when she can come clean about the Soil she was planted in: THAT IS BRAVERY. She didn't choose denial. She named it. And she wiped her body clean of it. So that she didn't take herself out.

It's not her poison to hold anymore. It's society's. It's the rest of the PLANET'S TO TAKE CARE OF. It's the people in charge to expel and not slur at her anymore. And everyone watching it as a whole can heal.

That's spell-casting.

​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. Join my Community on Patreon. Or get help being by guided by your Dope North Star.

Dear Everyone, 

U R All FlOWArs, 

LOVE, SHOVELS.

I set my New Years Resolution as: "TO FALL IN LOVE WITH LIFE EVERYDAY" 
 
I think I need to write it LARGE somewhere

because the reminder is something I need 

To remember that 

Survival Mode is

A mode. 

But I'm in it and then I'm out of it and then I'm in it again and that's been how it's been. And I don't know anyone else who isn't battling the same thing.

The Thing Is 

I come home and I want to: cry. 

And I stretch SO MUCH. 

Last night I read about the lead singer of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington and his relationship with art, music, and the music industry and how fickle his fans were: damned if he did and damned if he didn't: too metal, not metal enough -- you don't start making enough to live by until you break mainstream for an entire team of producers to hold you -- and then you're mainstream, and then the fanbase that you've built up turns on you for breaking mainstream even though you're the same person who's been creating and performing: Bennington had depression and I can imagine it just breaking his heart whenever his fans turned on him: I can imagine the wear and tear on his psyche. I love how open he was about his depression. I'm so excited for when my Blog is found. I love everything I write here. I stand by it. The honesty here. The vulnerability of the 3AM moment that people are too scared to talk about at Parties, in the Lobby of Shows, and the plethora of other things. But this is how I meet with God. 

And I can feel society having a victim-blaming relationship towards Artists: for being who we are. I feel like the "A" in LGBTQIA can stand for "Artists" - we can't deny who we are. And we put up with a lot of Ouchie Shit to fit into Systems that aren't there for us to be true to ourselves. We have to protect our Truth. And also Get Along with Everyone. And also Make Money. And also Hold it Together. And also Be Artistic Geniuses. And also not Bear too Much Weakness that it makes Anyone Worry but Just Enough Weakness that It's Relatable but Not Too Much that it's Uncomfortable and Also Be Charming and Also What it All Comes Down To Is: We Just Want To Make a Living Being True to Ourselves: Being Artists. That's All. If there is a God -- Does the Math Work Out so That Everyone Gets To Make A Living Being True to Themselves -- is it that Simple? 

My Mushroom Brain cannot wrap my head around the Violence of War - I can't believe there are people who sit there and boopdee boop until War....feels like the solution...until...that's it... 

My Mushroom Brain cannot wrap my head around it. And then I'm like right: that's cause Violence happens when we aren't being true to ourselves. This happens around us ALL THE TIME. EVERYWHERE. WE ARE DENIAL NATION. Everyone's fucking scared. 

And then my MUSHROOM BRAIN IS LIKE: FUCK YES, ARTISTS. BE POOR. BAND TOGETHER TO HONOUR YOUR TRUTH -- BUT IT BETTER BE YOUR TRUTH. BE POOR. UNTIL YOU'RE NOT. SO LONG AS YOU ARE HONORING A JOURNEY THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU. I HAVE AN ORGASM EVERY TIME I SEE AN AUTHENTIC ARTIST GET RICH. SLAVERY DIDN'T F*CKING END, VOGUE DID NOT VOGUE, BARRY DID NOT JENKINS BECAUSE PEOPLE CONTINUED TO GO ALONG WITH THE PROGRAM -- NO, PEOPLE RISKED, AND BANDED THE F*CK TOGETHER. I want to surround myself with the people who believe in what I do and what I have to say. And who will support me thriving in what I do and what I have to say and who are interested in protecting me along the way. Not in me shrinking form but in me paving as I always have since the Day I got here. 

​​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. You can Join My Sacred Space on Patreon or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.

​

Now available to my Patreon Patrons.

We are tending to the Vulnerable Soul.

We are protecting the Vulnerable Soul.

Life in all its Ass-Kicking. Artist-Kicking. GLORY.

Is forcing me to really Understand the FEROCIOUS NECESSITY of ARTISTS.
​
And the necessity of Staying True to My Artistry.

EVERY ARTIST NEEDS TO FEEL THAT. That's not EGO. That's HEALTH. 

I have to Believe in my Artistry.

Because it's Either Believe In It.

Or Die.

Or Become a Delivery Person.

And yes, I've been really upset with how misunderstood Artists are by Systems. And how that leads to the Artists' Demise. The Demise of our Light. I have so much Compassion for Artists who end up taking their lives -- I don't think it's selfish, and I understand the pain so wholeheartedly. Because while it is a mental health issue, it is also systemic.

And the more I write about it, the more it is is out of my system and it is for other people to hold. Because my body is not meant to hold it alone. No Body's BODY is meant to hold it alone.

Shovels is now joining this Movement. And will be giving out Journal Prompts on my Patreon. More than your praise, artists need your actual support. It's how you can show up for us.

Because being an Artist in Society in the midst A.I. is fucking terrifying.
And we are Warriors.
And being an Independent Artist is a Liberation Tool. A Vulnerability Tool. ARTISTS ARE AWESOME TO BE AROUND. WE ARE CRYSTAL BALLS. HAVE YOU EVER HAD NIGHTS OUT WITH ARTISTS!?!? MEMORABLE AF. There's a reason why. That Freedom within us that we spread out to people exists because it COSTS US SOMETHING TO PRACTICE WITHIN OURSELVES. My Sacred Corner is just that: SACRED.

It is miracle work every time we have a positive charge within us. The public-facing version of us is just that: the public-facing version of us.

The Actor in me wants to hide away and only show you: SHINY!
The Performance Artist in me however wants to know what do we do with Artists when they are Unwell. Because even some of Our Most Successful Artists are Cast Aside by Society, and Pay A Price For It. I LOVE HOW CHAOTIC HALLE BERRY IS. Go Through Your Memory Palace of Famous Artists off the Top of Your Head, and Try and Tell Me They Didn't Go Through Some Stage of Rehab or ALMOST Rehab. Society doesn't know how to take care of Artists. We have to take care of Artists. WE. As in YOU. And I, will take care of your vulnerability in Return. That's what I am here for: THE MESS.

Now let's take for Example: Halle Berry and how she won a Razzie and an Academy Award within three years of each other. Performance Art belongs everywhere and she turned her Razzie Speech into one. It's Chaotic. It's Awkward. It's a MESS.

And the First Journal Prompt From Shovels is Given On Patreon: My Sacred Corner.

​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. You can Join My Sacred Space on Patreon or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.

​​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can Join My Sacred Space on Patreon or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.

It's Not Me Who Almost Killed Me. It's The Industry.

SILENCE IS VIOLENCE. 

My body is a MIRACLE. 

My instrument is FUCKING ORGASMIC ORGANIC COSMOS GALAXY. 

I'VE BEEN BLED DRY AND HAVE HAD TO FILL MY OWN CUP WITH LOVE FROM FRIENDS WHO CAME TO PICK ME UP AND UNDERSTOOD WHAT TRUTH TELLING COSTS. 

The artist who makes the most sense to me right now is Yayoi Kusama. The joy of being yourself, YES! Because as far as I'm concerned I think she is in the most direct contact with Passion, God, Her Voice and she is Beholden to Her Calling and not having to work the system, the transactional relationships, the any of the things that make any of the things that can make it feel just so terrifying - 

I feel like we are collectively running a Compassionate Suicide Hotline. The underground necessary care-taking at this time. I feel like many people are doing unwell in Silence and Behind Closed Doors and we are Breeding this Toxic Heartbeat and This Unsustainable Way of Collecting Around One Another that is Going to Lead to People Dropping Like Flies: our most vulnerable. BODIES WILL BREAK. Our most vulnerable. Our Trans Artists. Our Artists who are already severed from Society in Isolation. Where Resources are Scarce and we are forcing them to Mask to Put on a Happy Face for the Universal Smokeshow. We Can Do Better.

The Glorious Miracle is that: I am making work that does not have to be Shiny and Spic and Span and Gorgeous. F*CK THAT. I am making work that is the MIRROR of OUR TIMES. F*cking Punk Rock Vomit. Nirvana. Because if the Men can get up on the stage and Rage Scream. Then so will MY VOICE. And I AM DESERVING OF IT. BECAUSE GRIEF IS ART. AND MY GRIEF IS ART. AND GENERATIONS OF IT IS STORED WITHIN ME. THAT IS THE GIFT OF THE MUSIC I MAKE THAT MOVES PEOPLE. 

I'm not going to wait until a bigger opportunity.
NO. 
I'm not going to Kumbaya.
NO. 
This isn't about: Can't we all just get along? 
We are not All Getting Along. 
We are not ALL GETTING ALONG.
And as Kara Young said: I'm the Maria Abramovic of our Generation and I'll f*cking take it. 

So I'll write about anger, so that it can be cathartic for someone else to read if that means it saves someone's life or causes a wake up call or pushes a needle forward or instigates FUNDING or GALVANIZES SOMETHING. 

GALVANIZES SOMETHING. 
GALVANIZES.
SOMETHING.
GALVANIZES.
SOMETHING.

GRIEF

IS

ART

THE INDUSTRY ALMOST KILLED ME AND IT ALMOST KILLED YOU TOO

​

1. How do I know if I was traumatized? You may be experiencing trauma if you have intense emotional reactions, flashbacks, avoidance behaviors, changes in beliefs, or unexplained physical symptoms. It’s essential to pay attention to your feelings and seek support if needed.

2. What does trauma feel like? Trauma can manifest in various ways, including feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, and confusion. You may feel emotionally numb or overwhelmed, and physical symptoms like fatigue or headaches can also occur. 

3. How long does emotional shock last? The duration of emotional shock varies from person to person. Some may recover within days or weeks, while others may take longer. 
It’s important to be patient with yourself and seek help if you’re struggling.

4. How long does it take to heal from trauma? Healing from trauma is a personal journey and can take time. It often involves processing your feelings and working through the emotional and psychological impacts of the experience. 
With support and self-care, many people find healing and resilience over time.

I'll always remember:

Rocking back and forth while crossing my arms and gripping my biceps.

I squeezed my "muscles"

...

My arms...

I was shaking.

Right -- Not so much shaking as I was rocking back and forth.

Crying...

in front of my iPhone

Because I was in therapy.

With my CBT Therapist.

I had no idea what I weighed.

I was not yet the 105 I was about to be in a couple of weeks from completely losing my appetite.

The ideation was HEAD-ON.

The crying was FULL-FLEDGED.

I was squeezing my biceps, crossed-arms...out of...out of...not knowing what else to do with my body.

My workout clothes were loose on me. The leggings were loose...

I really didn't know it was a problem...

I didn't know if I had an eating disorder...

I just knew I didn't have much of an appetite for...anything...

Not for life
Not for friendship
Not for going outside
Not for sleeping
Not for feeling seen
Not for talking to anyone I knew
I truly did not know that reaching out to someone was an option.

I didn't even know I wasn't really sleeping to be honest...

I thought the loss of appetite...was...kind of exciting...because it was like having a new...regimen...

The only thing I could get out of me was my music.

Music was always there. To help me make sense of something.

Right now though, I was in Therapy. On Zoom. With my CBT Therapist.

"Can you help me understand what's happening? I can't stop crying. And I don't know what's wrong."

The rocking continued.

She answered: "I think this may be PTSD."

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Everything clicked. Taking Shovels out for a walk felt like: working a 10 hour work day at a job that I never applied for: PTSD. I'm light-headed: PTSD. I don't feel like eating: PTSD. This world is TERRIBLE: PTSD. I don't trust anything: PTSD. I don't trust my own ability to talk to anyone right now: PTSD. I don't trust myself outside, I don't trust myself inside: PTSD. I stretch and I cry: PTSD. I don't stretch and I have a panic attack: PTSD. All I want is for the Pain to end. The Pain being the Tears, the Dark Mistrust for all of Humanity. The Feeling Like Nothing is Going to Get Better and This is Just Life and the Only Thing I Can Be Excited About is the Fact that These Cheetah Print Bike Shorts are Loose and I'm Not Sure Why. I don't know how many more tears I can possibly cry. PTSD from being promised care and being overworked capacity, and not being allowed to talk about it. PTSD from being cut off the next day by someone who promised care and ending things the next day. PTSD from my magical Shovels being Godzilla'ed by a HUGE DOG on the Subway and getting 5 stitches to the tongue, and surviving a neck puncture, and head wound, and 7 hours at the Vet and whatever happened down in the Basement Emergency Room which included him getting shaved over his wounds. CPTSD from childhood and being Korean-American. Periodt.

The Law of Attraction and Manifestation Techniques would say that I brought it upon myself. That I need to take the radical responsibility of attracting dishonest partners, a Large Dog of a Heroin Addict, childhood molestation, Korean-American Parents who were never equipped to hold that nor who were able to feed us three steady meals a day, and for not protecting myself better from the Shadow Side of the Entertainment Industrial Complex -- and that I have too much a Victim Mindset. That I spew out too much Negativity: and that's why I suffered what I have suffered in 2024.

Perhaps.

And Also:

I'm not going to Gaslight myself in my Radically Sexy AF and Honest AF Corner of the World that I have secured for myself. Audre Lorde became known for writing her truth. And Empowering the Truth.

I will not spiritually bypass the truth. MY Truth.

MY TRUTH IS LIT AF.

I love the music I made and make. Before, During, and After this Weird Fucking Chapter of My Life.

I speak so gently to myself now, in ways that I never have before.

I am the most affectionate and queer to the bone than ever before.

This is the Gunk that needs to come out.

And we all have Gunk.

It's all a part of us.

What I expose into the light is what heals.

What I no longer hold in my body no longer holds its weight in shame, embarrassment, and guilt anymore. I become a stronger and more vibrant artist. And no, journaling doesn't do it for me. I want my re-crystallization witnessed because I know that I am not alone in my journey to BREADTH, LIGHT.

It is my friends who helped me through. It will be Queer Kin who will always be the ones that allow me to breathe fully. It will always be the dissection of Queer Kin from Queer Kin that makes us feel: Unworthy and Trapped in a Space where We Just Don't Feel like we fit. It will always be the push past Capacity towards an unrealistic Goal driven by an unrealistic Capital Gain that breaks our bodies, and our hearts. It is Connection, Laughter, Enjoyment that is meant to be our NEUTRAL. That's HOME. That's the SOUL at EASE.

And I was somewhere in a Stratosphere where the Code-Switching caught up to me. And my body simply got sick.

PTSD taught me that: SOMATIC SHIT IS DOPE AF. I am attracted to music and I love my taste in music because I have FEELINGS. And my feelings need to be tended to. I love music, because I love moving, I love people, I love touching people who feel safe and good to me, I love connecting with people who are weird and soft and funny. I need to somatically rock everyday AND GOD DOES IT FEEL GOOD WHEN I ROCK IT OUT. COMPASSION is phenomenal. And I can notice when someone is feeling triggered: And I understand now when a person is in a part of themselves and when I need to give them space, so I can protect the shit out of my nervous system and not got damaged by a slung arrow. This country is led by people in power who are in denial about their PTSD.Once I had that wake-up call, I felt powerful: the power is very much in the hands of those who prioritize true-to-the-core healing: it is their bodies that will win out in the long run.

CPTSD (Complex PTSD) has taught me the following:

1) Human Touch and Somatically moving my body so I can reset my nervous system will give me what Therapy does: belonging.
2) When I act, I need to stretch and do somatic exercises before and after: so that I'm in my body and so that I release before, during, and after.
3) The feminine mystique is real and powerful. And we set our limits. "I'm at capacity."
4) Trusting my magic, using my magic, accepting my magic, combining my magic with other people's magic who also accept their magic is magical.
5) Trusting my wounds, accepting my wounds, hugging myself when I feel my wounds. Being around other people who are honest about their wounds: THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT. People who are dishonest about their wounds: that's...bound to bleed out...
6) Writing here.
7) Being able to name why I am writing here.
8) Tending to my Creativity and Prioritizing it because I was born with the Brain Chip I was born with: to be a Creative. It's never going to go away. It's Wounds that make me feel like I can't share.
9) Becoming Honest about What Spaces Truly Help me Breathe.

​

If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can Join My Underground Corner on Patreon or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.​

Read the Entry Here: http://www.dianaoh.org/blahggghhhhh/artists-are-teachers

My voice isn't warmed up. And it's very off the cuff. I recorded it again with my voice very warmed up. And on the cuff. And it was just...too polished...too perfect -- f*ck it, I'm putting it out there -- there's plenty in it that I appreciate -- The Rawness. Rock and Roll. Soulfulness. I need to allow myself to be seen in my imperfect, femme, queer, artistic display of human emotion that isn't so polished: I personally need the permission to wail. Because it gives permission to someone else to wail. I coached a client today on their Creative Project and it was AWESOME. To be in collaboration in someone's Flow State. That is where it's at. My prayer is that we find each other. And can keep ourselves thriving. And celebrated. And VIBRANT. I wrote this blog entry after finding out about a friend in the industry who is trans, took their life. We couldn't get to them soon enough, they couldn't get to us soon enough.
There is a Spiraling Up that needs to happen right now, that we will do together as we choose Together, together. Choose yourself. Choose your Creating. Choose your Healing. Run your fingers along your forehead and "yay" yourself. 

​


​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can Join My Sacred Space on Patreon or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.
​

Radical Optimism. It takes a lot of Healing to get There. Thank you for thanking the Writers and the People who no one sees, John Chu. Radical Optimism: It takes a lot of Healing of your Body, Your Ancestral Body to Get There. No One Gets to Radical Optimism Alone. Ariana Grande is public about her PTSD. Michelle Yeoh is a trained Martial Artist. Cynthia Erivo is public about her being Tantric. John Chu has had to let the slurs roll off of him. The body has to heal everyday. Radical Optimism. Radical Optimism. Radical. Optimism. 

"We are worth your time" "We have so much more to go." 

And it's true we do. 

So. Keep Going. 

I am choosing to Blog when I am down. Up. In the middle. In the middle-up. Anywhere. Everywhere. Because I Spiral Up. Because I hit bottom - that's the Beauty of Bottom. And the Bottom was F*cking Scary. Trauma is F*cking Scary. 

I am here for the Future I know is coming. For when Queer and Trans and Femme Freaks need a Space to Howl. This Representation on Stage REALLY DOES MATTER. I can say that matter of factly. For the States in America who need to see this. Who need to see John Chu speak in his joy and light, backed up by a team of Phenomenal Artists standing on their own two feet, unafraid.

I wish we were more public about what it really takes to become this level of successful in Hollywood. From a healing perspective. Not from the work ethic you have. But from what you've had to heal to get here.

​​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. Receive my Newsletter and Perks on my Patreon. Or get get guided by your Dope North Star.