The words came to me this morning as I awoke in bed.
To be honest, I have been dreading waking up - everyday. I wish I could write here and say: I WAKE UP EVERYDAY FEELING FRESH! and HAPPY! BUT I DON'T. I have to do my breathing, meditations, somatics, visualizations, and HARD CUDDLES with Shovels each night before falling asleep and each morning before getting out of bed. I've just picked him up and placed him on my lap while I write. He's truly one of the greatest wonders on this still green earth. Understanding the layers of Trauma that this Administration is having on us collectively as I receive text messages from friends, as I run into people in the streets, or at Functions. Understanding what I know now from Trauma as we abandon ourselves in Survival Mode. Understanding that there is what happens to us inter-personally and then and then and then. And Understanding that Trauma really shuts the body down, the voice down, the creative outlet down. I've experienced it first-hand. In this last relationship I was in. It was truly awful. To have my vulnerability thrashed around. And to have my vulnerability caged. To be put in a communication prison. To have a 2D Version of Me Made Up By Someone and Have that Version Spread Around Like a Paper Doll Amongst Friends and Have Me Shut Out. There Was Nowhere For Me to Turn. The Theta-Healer called it my Initiation. It's how I found Somatics, after all. It's how I healed layers and layers within my body. It's how I truly learned the inner workings of Supremacy at play. Supremacists don't know they are Supremacists. They really think they are Good People. I was made to think I was Awful Scum. And that's how we have to function in this world. The healing is on us. We cannot control other people. We really can't. What we can control is the healing of our Bodies in a Society that will choose to Snuff of us Out. Deplete us of our Agency, Worth, What We Actually Mean to Say. Our Humanity. That's What REALLY Hurt the Most. The Way My Humanity Was Taken From Me In The Relationship. The Way An Ex Twisted Me Into Someone I'm Not To Make of Themselves a Hero and So that A Community of People had Something To Do and Turned Me Into Cheap Gossip as Entertainment. The Ex Posted Cruel Things About Me On Social Media. It Was a Complete Turn-Around. Quite Literally. Terrifying. When I Tried To Reach Them. I Was Denied Access. It Broke Every Queer Code In My Book. It Broke Me. And the only Advice I was getting was to: Heal (Suffer) in Silence (Behind Closed Doors). The Messaging I was receiving was that I had brought it upon myself: I had attracted it all. What I know is that I'll likely never attract it into my life again. And I have a heaviness around my chest and throat that I did not used to have, and a gaze in my eyes for people that can hold more space for them, I GOT FUCKBOYED. IT TRULY IS THAT SIMPLE. BY SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER ADMIT IT BECAUSE THEIR PRIDE IS HUBUNGO AND I'LL NEVER GET THE APOLOGY AND MY BODY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AND SUCH IS THE WORLD AND SUCH IS LIFE AND THIS IS THE F*CKING PATRIARCHY AND I AM F*CKING LIVID AND GOOD GIRLS GET MURDERED END OF STORY AND MY BODY IS RECOVERING FROM BEING DRIVEN MAD AND SICK BY A SICK SICK BOY AND THE SOCIETY WHO LETS HIM RUN FREE. AND WE ARE GETTING FUCKBOYED. AND WE GOTTA HEAL OURSELVES. Because society will not take care of us right now. THIS IS A TIME THAT IS CALLING FOR RADICAL SH*T. Yes, it hurts. I have to validate my pain to heal it. Because I was refused closure. I was refused community care. It was confusing, puncturing, and cheapened the connection we had. It did not match what was asked of me. It did not honor what I honored of them. It broke trust. Trust was deeply broken. I have a say here. This is my corner to say it in. It was dysregulating. It was heartbreaking. It broke me. Into millions of pieces. I wish it upon no one. I was in an environment in isolation. Away from people who loved me. I did not feel loved. I was not loved. And so I felt no choice but to want to remove myself from this Earth. I very much lived somewhere that did not value me. It actively DEVALUED ME. And that is my experience of Upstate, New York. And it will take awhile until I feel safe in a Small Town. And there you have the Makings of Get Out, the film. And there you have the Creators like Jordan Peele. And Comedians like Tiffany Haddish. And the reasons why Artists need to have their Voice and not go Dim and Lights Out. Because when I say my lights went out. I MEAN MY LIGHTS WENT OUT. Because I've been kick-dropped not just by a boy. But by other things as well. And the healing is on my Soul to muster up - it's what I was born into. It hurts like bananas town to be alive right now. What I do know is that - it feels really really good to get together with people who get it and can laugh at it. Really really good. I can either die - or...live. And maybe the Ex does have it in them to apologize and wake up. If held in community enough. If they knew enough that they won't lose EVERYTHING by waking up and saying sorry for causing me SO MUCH PAIN AND HURT AND UTTER DESTRUCTION. My healing is separate from their apology. My joy is separate from their apology. My art is separate from their apology. My art has nothing do with vengeance. My healing has do with MY LIBERATION. MY LIVING OF MY LIFE. And it is HARD. IT IS HARD. Some days all I can do is: make a cup of coffee, do some breathing meditations, write here, drink some water, walk outside, look into becoming a sex worker, make a cup of cacao, do my skincare, writer a prayer to God: (today's began with: "What the f*ck God"), TRY TO MAKE THE BED, make a list of my gifts and what I was put on Earth to do, make a list of how I am actively feeling to ensure that I am not being dishonest with myself, check my text messages, think about the things I would be doing if I didn't feel so burnt out, DO MY SOMATIC ROCKING anytime I feel that heavy heavy weight in my chest, make a YouTube video if I feel like it because it feels important to just follow simple impulses right now because if there's anything that Trauma does to you: is it takes away ALL YOUR JOYFUL CREATIVE IMPULSES THAT YOU ONCE HAD. And at that: Pleasure is my Cauldron, Creativity is my Crown. I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can show your support by Joining my Patreon: my Lit AF Sacred Corner or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.
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Diana Oh "Zaza D"
This is a Space Where I Save My Own Damn Life (and maybe even someone else's). All Parts are Welcome, bb. Archives
February 2025
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