I Hate Christmas

Oh my god that feels so good to write in a public kind of way. 

What is about public declarations that feels so so so liberating? 

When I google the question: "why does publicly coming out feel so good" here is what I receive: 

"Publicly coming out can feel good because it allows a person to finally live authentically, embracing their true identity without the stress of hiding, which can lead to increased self-esteem, a sense of relief from the burden of secrecy, and a stronger connection with others who share a similar experience; essentially, it's the feeling of being able to be fully yourself in the world without fear of judgment or rejection."

"Key reasons why coming out can feel positive:

• Reduced stress:
  No longer having to hide or constantly worry about being "found out" can alleviate significant psychological stress. 
• Increased self-acceptance:
  Openly acknowledging one's identity can lead to greater self-worth and personal validation. 
• Building genuine connections:
  Being open about who you are can foster deeper, more authentic relationships with friends and family. 
• Sense of belonging:
  Connecting with a community of people who share similar experiences can create a strong sense of belonging. 
• Empowerment:
  Taking the step to come out can feel empowering, demonstrating courage and self-advocacy."

According to Allure: 
"Studies have shown that coming out as LGBTQIA can relieve pain and alleviate some symptoms of mental illnesses, like anxiety and depression." 

According to Reddit: 
"Coming Out to Supportive People feels so good." 

I experimented with whether I was going to write about this on Substack or on my Personal Blog. I eventually chose My Personal Blog because hating on Christmas felt...deeply personal. And it felt like: what I refer to as A 3 AM Moment. A Life-Saving Moment. The Piece of Writing that I myself would find and connect with as a child of immigrants and say: "Thank God no one took this Artist's Teeth Away." 

Healing from my last relationship: the way that the person ended it was by pumping me with so many love chemicals that my brain went into overdrive, they crossed me over into a relationship and then ended it the very next day, shut me out of a community that I had just moved to and saw zero problem with it. They blind-sidedly ended things and went cold and it physically caused harm to my body: my stomach literally dropped when I saw them flip from hot to cold overnight and saw them turn into a completely different person...when I told them I was scared, their reaction was Anger. Their reaction was to take their frustration out on me for me being scared by the sudden change. I sat on the other end of the Video Call trying to calm their temper and anger down when they snapped back at me with, "I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID IT!" Who was I to be scared? They snapped back at me with how they meant it when they told me they loved me two days ago and said "I want to give you everything you need."

I am so traumatized by Upstate, New York. Bucolic is Code For: Just, No. That's a No for Me, dawg.

I am so traumatized by being with this person. 

I am so traumatized by Silence. 

The United States of America has an incredible relationship with Silence. 

The Entertainment Industry has an incredible relationship with Silence. 

The thing about Healing is that Silence stops being Cute. 

I don't owe This Person my Silence. Meditation isn't Healing for me when the trauma is Being Silenced. Holding it inside is Actually Just Gaslighting Myself. I am not a Silent Warrior. I'm a Warrior who will write this and someone will find it at 3 in the Morning. And this writing will save their life and they will get out. They will stop Gaslighting Themselves. The way that I needed to stop Gaslighting myself. Maybe people in this very town will find this. And Get Out. 

I hate Christmas because I love my Nervous System. 
I hate Christmas because I hate the Overspending. I hate the Charade. I hate Santa and how rapey he feels sometimes. I hate how drunk everyone gets on the streets between December 23 to December 25. I hate how obligated everybody feels to each other. 

And mostly my body, and my system is in recovery from how my family felt pressured during the Holidays, growing up in America. I have a lot of painful memories straddling the confusion of being Korean-American. And being my parent's child during Christmas. And I don't really feel like being gaslit into happiness during Christmas. 

I long for a lover who understands that. 
A group of friends who really understand that. 
Who are down AF to create new traditions around Christmas that don't involve Gifts. I want them to involve laying down, doing less, making bracelets. buying nothing. 

This is the second year in a row that I am spending Christmas alone. 

Am I happy? 
Am I sad? 
... 
I'm alive so I'll take that as the win. 
I'm creating so I'll take that as the win. 
I'm becoming clearer and clearer on my artistry so I'll take that as the win. 
I'm getting REM sleep so I'll take that as the win. 

Do I still miss the person who clipped my nerves because I believe we gave each other the greatest adventure? Sure.  Was I handled so irresponsibly and in a way that I wish upon no one? Sure. 
Is my life full of other Loves and Adventures that fill my grateful heart and send me soaring? Sure. 
Do I have an understanding of Love Songs and Heartbreak Songs that I never did before that make me want to break glass? Sure. 
Does my heart break for my Mother everyday as I think about how she has navigated living in this world and how much I long for a lover to understand that? Sure. 
Do I know that that is the love I give to myself now and that is the love I deserve? Yes. And that is what gets me off now.

Love, 
Zaza

dedicated to those in pain on Christmas