THE CALL TO THE ARTIST: 

Why Artists are Necessary in Times of Chaotic Disarray
​
Liberotica
by Diana Oh “Zaza D” 

You can either die 
or heal 
Those were the two options I was faced with. 
Either the pain I was born into could swallow me whole 
The pain done to me could take me under 
The pain I was not equipped for nearly did me in 
In complete isolation. 
Or 
I figure out a way to let it soften me 
so that I did not turn into a fucking rock. 

Because I’d rather be a scared human being with a warm hand that can at least offer to hold yours, 
than turn into a mean fucking rock. 
And I was turning into a scared fucking rock. 
Trauma is a Silencer. 
It took away my once brave heart. 
The Permission Slip got ripped up
by someone else. 
Who ran away with My Pen.
Nowhere to be found. 
I didn’t have a notepad to even begin to write a To-Do List for myself
So I disappeared. 
Into myself. 
Not even myself. 
Into a Black Sky of Unrecognizable. 
And it was Other People Who Made Me Feel This Way. 
So I’m a Person Now Who Loves People Who Is Afraid of People 
I didn’t used to be like this. 
I used to be 
Adventuresome 
Endlessly 
with a Big Smile 
Now I am someone with Bigger Arms, even if my Smile is not as Big. My Arms are Bigger. From Whatever it is I Survived. 

Society needs help connecting with the heart 
IT ALL needs help connecting with the heart 
Things catch fire when an Evolution is in the midst. 
And dropping in is Necessary. 
This is where NASTY Vulnerable Artistry Comes In. 
This is where WHAT TURNS YOU ON Comes Through. 
THIS IS WHERE YOU REACH DOWN, YOU REACH DOWN, YOU REACH DOWN AND YOU FUCKING TRUST IN THE ART DADDY TO HOLD YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING ARTIST AND YOU BETTER FUCKING ART. THIS IS SALIVA AND SILK AND THE THING THAT OPENS YOUR THROAT AND MAKES YOU GRAB YOUR FRIENDS AND TURNS YOUR LIGHT BACK ON 

THIS IS ELECTRICITY. 

THIS IS HUMANITY. 

THIS IS THE PROGRAMMING NOT WORKING BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMING IS NOT WORKING. BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMING IS NOT WORKING. BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMING IS NOT WORKING. 

Because Society Will Lose what Society Does Not Value. 

And we have to value Ourselves. And it has ALWAYS been that way through history. HASN’T IT?!

IT HAS.

WE HAVE BEEN THE ONES TO SAVE ONE ANOTHER. 

TO WATER EACH OTHERS’ BONES WHEN THEY HAVE BEEN BRITTLE. 

TO DRY EACH OTHERS’ TEARS - No, ABSOLUTELY FUCK THAT - TO LET EACH OTHER CRY WHEN WE HAVE NEEDED TO. TO LET EACH OTHER CRY WHEN WE HAVE NEEDED TO.

SO CRY. CRY I SAY. CRY OUT. BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMING IS HEALING. AND YOU’RE CALLING ON THE DEEP RADICAL HEALING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IN SECRECY. AND WHAT’S HAPPENING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IS FUCKING PROFOUND AND RADICAL. 

Whether that’s Radical in your Healing 
In your Food 
In your Nutrition 
In your Love 
In your Body 
In your Partnership 
In the choices you make 
In how you take in the news 
In your deliberate change
YOU have CHOICE 
And we’re all connected more than we think 
I’ve pulled my energy out of many things to pour my energy into other things to find that energy of other things have found me 
This is a time to Listen and to Be Brave at a Time when WE ARE ALL AFRAID and NO ONE IS GOING AWAY, NOT THEM and NOT US, AND NONE OF OUR PARTS. 
WE ARE ALL IN SURVIVAL MODE. AND OUT OF IT. AND BACK IN AGAIN.

So, Heaven on Earth is still Possible. 
Because we can have it in Moments. 
Because we must. 
Because that’s what being Social Is. 
That’s what Having a Pet Is. 
That’s what Making Love Is. 
That’s what Taking a Breath Is. 
That’s what Creation Is. 

This can All Be Easier Than We Think. 

Everyday, I will remember to Pleasure Domme my Way There. 

Creativity is My Crown Amidst the Fuckery. 
A Professional of the Beating Heart. 
Remember what You are the Professional Of. 
Remember what Turns You On.
With all the Shame, Guilt, or Embarrassment Thereof. EMBRACE it. 
With all the Sweat, Yes, or Confusion Thereof. EMBRACE it. 
In your Isolation.
In your Together. 
In your Pain.
In your Fury. 
In your Joy.
With or Without your Medication
Because you were born and you’re here and you’re not going anywhere - BE THE PERMISSION SLIP THAT GOT TORN UP AND BURNT AND CHOKED, FREE YOURSELF WITH A JOURNAL, WITH A ROCK, WITH A TO-DO LIST, WITH ONE STEP, WITH ONE TEAR, PROTECT CREATION, FOLLOW THE WHISPER THAT IS POUNDING AGAINST YOU UNSTOPPABLY.
AND Create from the Place that you need to Listen to with YOUR HEART. 
Otherwise The Chokehold of Trauma is What Wins. 
And The Chokehold of Trauma is What Runs this Administration. 
So With Whatever Voice You May Have from your True Heart, Please For the Sake of Your Deep Breath, 
Let it Out.

Love, 
Diana Oh “Zaza D” 

​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can show your support by Joining my Patreon so I can continue to protect My Vulnerability or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.

There is a Divination Quest No One Can Predict Every Time Something is Created.

​


​

The Call is to Be Myself to the Nth Degree. 

The Call is to Follow My Heart. 

The Call is to Be A Heartist. 

The Call is to Be An Outlier. 

The Call is to Take Care of the Edges. 

The Call is to Heal So Freakishly Deep, Deeper than the Parents and the Grandparents. 

Because I Survived Three Suicide Attempts, Which is the Same Amount My Aunt Survived. 

And Shamans Don't Try to Kill Themselves, They Try To Kill the Old Versions of Themselves. 

It's Not the Me That is Sick, It Is and Has Always Been Society. 

It's Not My Mother Who Keeps Me From Her. It's What Makes Life So Difficult that Keeps Us From Each Other.  

Whenever I Feel the Hurt, Which is More Often These Days, I Understand that I Cannot Will It Away - As Much as I Want To -- I Have to Hug It. 

I think this is what we really do get wrong about Society and about Healing. NONE OF US ARE GOING AWAY. NO ONE IS GOING AWAY. WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT EVERYONE IS STAYING. EVERY SINGLE BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY PART OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. And we are here. We are stuck here. So what is in our control? 

I have to cry. I won't let anything or anyone talk me out of my tears. Because they are there. I physically feel them. Accept and Let Them Pass. And Onto the Next! And WEE!

And I share the things that help my Nervous System Reset. 

The words came to me this morning as I awoke in bed.

To be honest, I have been dreading waking up - everyday. I wish I could write here and say: I WAKE UP EVERYDAY FEELING FRESH! and HAPPY! BUT I DON'T. I have to do my breathing, meditations, somatics, visualizations, and HARD CUDDLES with Shovels each night before falling asleep and each morning before getting out of bed. I've just picked him up and placed him on my lap while I write. He's truly one of the greatest wonders on this still green earth.

Understanding the layers of Trauma that this Administration is having on us collectively as I receive text messages from friends, as I run into people in the streets, or at Functions. Understanding what I know now from Trauma as we abandon ourselves in Survival Mode. Understanding that there is what happens to us inter-personally and then and then and then.

And Understanding that Trauma really shuts the body down, the voice down, the creative outlet down. I've experienced it first-hand. In this last relationship I was in. It was truly awful. To have my vulnerability thrashed around. And to have my vulnerability caged. To be put in a communication prison. To have a 2D Version of Me Made Up By Someone and Have that Version Spread Around Like a Paper Doll Amongst Friends and Have Me Shut Out. There Was Nowhere For Me to Turn. The Theta-Healer called it my Initiation. It's how I found Somatics, after all. It's how I healed layers and layers within my body. It's how I truly learned the inner workings of Supremacy at play. Supremacists don't know they are Supremacists. They really think they are Good People. I was made to think I was Awful Scum. And that's how we have to function in this world.

The healing is on us. We cannot control other people. We really can't. What we can control is the healing of our Bodies in a Society that will choose to Snuff of us Out. Deplete us of our Agency, Worth, What We Actually Mean to Say. Our Humanity. That's What REALLY Hurt the Most. The Way My Humanity Was Taken From Me In The Relationship. The Way An Ex Twisted Me Into Someone I'm Not To Make of Themselves a Hero and So that A Community of People had Something To Do and Turned Me Into Cheap Gossip as Entertainment. The Ex Posted Cruel Things About Me On Social Media. It Was a Complete Turn-Around. Quite Literally. Terrifying. When I Tried To Reach Them. I Was Denied Access. It Broke Every Queer Code In My Book. It Broke Me.

And the only Advice I was getting was to: Heal (Suffer) in Silence (Behind Closed Doors). The Messaging I was receiving was that I had brought it upon myself: I had attracted it all.

What I know is that I'll likely never attract it into my life again. And I have a heaviness around my chest and throat that I did not used to have, and a gaze in my eyes for people that can hold more space for them, I GOT FUCKBOYED. IT TRULY IS THAT SIMPLE. BY SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER ADMIT IT BECAUSE THEIR PRIDE IS HUBUNGO AND I'LL NEVER GET THE APOLOGY AND MY BODY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AND SUCH IS THE WORLD AND SUCH IS LIFE AND THIS IS THE F*CKING PATRIARCHY AND I AM F*CKING LIVID AND GOOD GIRLS GET MURDERED END OF STORY AND MY BODY IS RECOVERING FROM BEING DRIVEN MAD AND SICK BY A SICK SICK BOY AND THE SOCIETY WHO LETS HIM RUN FREE.

AND WE ARE GETTING FUCKBOYED. AND WE GOTTA HEAL OURSELVES. Because society will not take care of us right now.

THIS IS A TIME THAT IS CALLING FOR RADICAL SH*T.

Yes, it hurts. I have to validate my pain to heal it. Because I was refused closure. I was refused community care. It was confusing, puncturing, and cheapened the connection we had. It did not match what was asked of me. It did not honor what I honored of them. It broke trust. Trust was deeply broken. I have a say here. This is my corner to say it in. It was dysregulating. It was heartbreaking. It broke me. Into millions of pieces. I wish it upon no one. I was in an environment in isolation. Away from people who loved me. I did not feel loved. I was not loved. 

And so I felt no choice but to want to remove myself from this Earth. I very much lived somewhere that did not value me. It actively DEVALUED ME. 

And that is my experience of Upstate, New York. 

And it will take awhile until I feel safe in a Small Town. 

And there you have the Makings of Get Out, the film. 

And there you have the Creators like Jordan Peele. And Comedians like Tiffany Haddish. And the reasons why Artists need to have their Voice and not go Dim and Lights Out. Because when I say my lights went out. 

I MEAN MY LIGHTS WENT OUT. 

Because I've been kick-dropped not just by a boy. But by other things as well. And the healing is on my Soul to muster up - it's what I was born into.

It hurts like bananas town to be alive right now. What I do know is that - it feels really really good to get together with people who get it and can laugh at it. Really really good.

I can either die - or...live.

And maybe the Ex does have it in them to apologize and wake up. If held in community enough. If they knew enough that they won't lose EVERYTHING by waking up and saying sorry for causing me SO MUCH PAIN AND HURT AND UTTER DESTRUCTION. My healing is separate from their apology. My joy is separate from their apology. My art is separate from their apology. My art has nothing do with vengeance. My healing has do with MY LIBERATION. MY LIVING OF MY LIFE. And it is HARD. IT IS HARD. Some days all I can do is: make a cup of coffee, do some breathing meditations, write here, drink some water, walk outside, look into becoming a sex worker, make a cup of cacao, do my skincare, writer a prayer to God: (today's began with: "What the f*ck God"), TRY TO MAKE THE BED, make a list of my gifts and what I was put on Earth to do, make a list of how I am actively feeling to ensure that I am not being dishonest with myself, check my text messages, think about the things I would be doing if I didn't feel so burnt out, DO MY SOMATIC ROCKING anytime I feel that heavy heavy weight in my chest, make a YouTube video if I feel like it because it feels important to just follow simple impulses right now because if there's anything that Trauma does to you: is it takes away ALL YOUR JOYFUL CREATIVE IMPULSES THAT YOU ONCE HAD.

And at that: Pleasure is my Cauldron, Creativity is my Crown.


​​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can show your support by Joining my Patreon: my Lit AF Sacred Corner or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.

"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and...love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love." - Martin Luther King Jr.

"Knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power." - Lao Tzu. Tao Te Ching

These two quotes begin Kasia Urbanak's Unbound's A Woman's Guide to Power. ​Kasia Urbanak is a Dominatrix and A Taoist Nun.

I have just finished listening to today's Episode of Fresh Air which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND EVERYONE LISTEN TO IF YOU WOKE UP WITH YOUR HOPE DOWN THE DRAIN.

None of our Negative Feelings are Permanent.

And I KNOW. I KNOW THAT ARTISTS RIGHT NOW FEEL FUCKING USELESS. This is why the spiritual center is essential.

Scholars Tressie McMillan Cottom and Eddie Glaude reflect on the struggle for civil rights and what it means to celebrate King on the same day that President Donald Trump is sworn into office. They speak to MLK's creative and artistic ability to speak and to rouse.

I needed to hear Eddie Glaude's point of becoming so overcome by MLK's leadership that we just lay below him, kissing at his feet, unaware of where to go next.

We need a next of where to go.

We need to heal the stuck. We need to heal our wounds. Our personal wounds that have us frozen. And afraid. And doing nothing.

MLK was considered a RADICAL in his time. Was considered written off. Was something to be feared. Was ahead of his time. HE SPOKE OUT. WE ARE BEING ASKED TO DO THE SAME.

TO BE RADICAL.

Admittedly, it hurts to be alive right now.

Truly, it fucking hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

It personally hurts because I feels so deeply devalued. And I am hungry. I am poor. And it isn't fucking fair. As A RADICAL ARTIST. A RADICAL THINKER. And I also retain hope. THAT MY RADICAL IS EXACTLY WHAT IS NEEDED.

Scholar Tressie McMillan Cottom: "History repeats itself. I like to think of history as a spinning top - that even as it moves forward, it wobbles, and the interior of it is going round and round. So sometimes progress does feel like turning in circles. And that our commitment to a transactional hope that when we do the hard work, when we go out to vote, when we sign a petition, when we march, that there has to be an immediate return to those actions to justify taking yet another action. Is one of the ways that the neoliberal order that Eddie has spoken about so eloquently here that so many of us are suffering through convinces us to divest from the things that matter to us. You do the thing that matters, whether it feels like you are moving forward or not. Because the thing about history is that you really don't know where you're standing until it has passed. That's why in the moment, we are supposed to be guided by something more, something bigger - morality, accountability, responsibility to ourselves, to our values, to one another. And that this is not the first time we've been called to do that. I take a lot of comfort in that. You know, Eddie says that's the reason why he chose that speech because it so mirrors our current moment. I actually take a lot of comfort in the fact that we have been here before, and we've not only survived it, we have figured it out. And so I think that we will continue to figure it out, but we probably need to give up the transactional nature of our hope and do the thing that needs to be done because it needs to be done. That's our responsibility to history."
​

Fierce

Ferocious

My body is not forever

And I've got to remember it

And I want my own Yearbook

Social Media is - I'm not sure of it yet

If I go back there yet.

So far

My guides haven't sent me back there.

So, into the self-portraiture world I go.

Of Cultivation.

And Expression.

Magnetism.

Spirituality.

My Tantric Practice.

Where Power is the Lighthouse.

And Love is Power.

And Play is Power.

And Fun is Power.

And Creation is Power.

AND I'M HEAVEN ON EARTH IN THE MIDST OF A STORM.

THIS IS SEX MAGICK. THIS IS SEX WORKER. THIS IS DIVINITY. THIS IS ART. THIS IS WHAT ARTISTS WERE MADE FOR. PLEASURE IN THE MIDST OF GREED AND HAVOC. HEALING IN THE MIDST OF VIOLENT AND VIOLATING EMULSIFICATION. TO EACH THEIR OWN.

I find my own starlight and gift it to others. The heavy veil is lifted off of me. And I spin and I spin in a joyful romance to hold a loving embrace for many. It hurts to be misused. Use me, God, to Your Will - for those in need, in the name of Divination, in my own Truth, to Serve Beyond.

That's what the Science is Saying. 

And Brain Scrubbing 

AKA SLEEP 

AKA BRAIN REGENERATION

AKA 
AS MUCH AS YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF A BRAIN LOBOTOMY IS WHAT HEALS IT. 

LITERALLY: 

GIVING YOUR BRAIN A GOTDAMN BREAK FROM YOUR OWN TORTUROUS WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING IT IS WHAT WILL HELP. 

all that non-sleeping I was doing, when I was trying to sleep. 

all that "oh my god, please dear fecking god" get me through this - Science is telling me: SLEEP is what heals. 

And I will say: the happiest friend in my life: she gets 8-10 hours of sleep a night. And she is so happy.  And has secure attachment. So I'm going to take everything that I've learned from the Science and everything that I've learned from my one friend and leave that GOLDEN WISDOM HERE. PRIORITIZE SLEEP when you're doing well, hurting hard, winning at life, losing everything, feeling lonely, and/or EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED. Or in denial any of the above. Here's to being alive and human, yay! 

​

I definitely feel closer to Shovels.

And Shovels is awesome.

Shovels is so awesome.

I can't believe Shovels is real.

Seriously?

This dog is Real?

I certainly feel closer to my dog.

(Sometimes I feel like "dog" does not do justice to what Shovels is tbh...)

He's sitting on my lap right now. With his all fours facing the computer screen. What's that? That's a Mythical BearDragonCartoonGalaxy.

(I'm done for if he passes. If. That's if he passes. I don't know if he's capable of death.)

I feel like Shovels was birthed from my Heart.

So I feel closer to Shovels. But further away from the truckloads of people I was constantly "talking" to at all times.

And the contrast is: a very: "hello, anyone out there?" feeling

which makes me feel lucky for having a social job when I'm chosen.

It's magical to be chosen. As an Artist. For your Talent. For your Ways of Communicating in the World. For your Ways of Showing Up. For all the Trauma I survived slash all the things that shaped me and turned me into the Mythical Resilient Human I am! That's what Shovels and I have in common!

I don't think I will ever meet a Korean-American Person who does not have a comedic/historically accurate relationship with Surviving their own Blade. Because their own Blade is their Mother's Blade. And their Mother's Blade is their Mother's Blade. Korean Parents are some irresponsible mother f*ckers and we are paying some high taxes.

I thought I'd be sutured up. No leaky wounds ever, but maybe nobody is leak-free. Even the people I envy for being so put together at all times: they're so leaky. SO I just walk around with a Grace Sandwich and chomp on it. And Pass it Around. And there we have it: a spinning world of people drowning in feeling inadequate at all times. All that masking.

I went to a Buddhist Monastery once - when I was in the height of a PDST Suicide-Ideating Body Shaking Didn't Know What The Hell Was Going On With Me Night of Terror and the Monk on Duty talked to me about Life Simply Being A Lot: it's beautiful, it's dangerous, it's ugly, it's amazing, it's terrible. And that's Life. And I felt like fuck: this is it - I am at a literal site of Nirvana and this Monk is telling me that it won't get better. If I didn't feel safe, would I have maybe ended it then?

It's always Safety that pulls me back to Shore.

And if there's anything that 2024 did to me, and to a lot of people: is it made a lot of people feel unsafe. Things happened in 2024 that traumatized people. It took safety away from my once Joyful Space in my Chest. It did that to people. And I'm still learning to go outside again.

What helps is The Calling. Creative Practice is Creative Practice. Recognizing Creativity in Others and following their Flow State is Flow State. Music is Music. Acting is Acting. Writing is Writing.

Misery is Misery.

Inauthenticity is Inauthenticity.

Enjoyment is Enjoyment.

Vulnerability is Vulnerability.

2024 hurt. I'm not over it. It hurts a lot. I'm doing all the things Science is telling me to do to get over it. I can still be talented and blah blah blah and still be really fuckin' sad and HURT.

For anyone else who is not over how much 2024 Nosferatu'ed their Ass, I f*cking see you. And I'm really f*cking sorry. Stay Alive, 2025 -- who knows maybe even ARRIVE, 2025! COME ALIVE, 2025! STRIVE, 2025! CHOOSE, 2025! DO, 2025! JUST DO, 2025! YOU'RE F*CKING AWESOME. Don't let the Industry of Toxic Wellness Positivity Get You Down.

I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. Support my Sacred Corner or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.