Feel free to leave a reply. 

Xoxo.

Is this writing reaching anyone? Is it mattering?
We are nearing the 2024 Wrap-Up.
Most definitely the most challenging year I personally have had.
And on the positive side: thanks to one of my incredibly funny friends who is an Actor: I came out Hot. I came out Hotter. I came out with PTSD bod.
Which for a Career in the Performing Arts fares: WELL!
I'm afraid of going outside and I'm afraid of sending emails but: I look like I go to Yoga and I look like I have a Personal Trainer. I look like I am preparing for a Role in an upcoming Action Film. When people run into me: "I Look Great."

Fuck sharing only the light sides of ourselves. Especially as Femmes. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I'm so liberated by getting this gunk out. Kathleen Hanna you fucking miracle worker.

My friend took me to a Queer, Non-Binary Bookstore and I felt immediate relief and release. It was like a Somatic Workout just entering its doors. No. More. Code-Switching. It was like the Queer Teddy Bear could come out. The Inner Child could finally catch a break from the Punctured, Mangled Thing Holding It Together. And that Inner Child bought stickers and sat on the floor and felt fucking safe to read their words out loud.

Queer the World.

Just Queer the Fucking World.

Protect Vulnerability.

Artists are Necessary.

I survived trying to take myself out.

They teach my work in Universities and Educational Settings but Artists like me don't get Royalties: OH MY GOD I WISH WE DID. If each Teacher or Student or Board Member of a Theatre Company that used my image to raise money for their Theatre Company gave 1.00 a month to my Patreon, I'd feel so held as an Artist. Not until we hit it "big" in the machine do things start to make sense for us financially. I enjoy my deeply random SAG-AFTRA Royalties from How to Be Single. The cognitive dissonance is surreal: feeling randomly emotionally supported as an Artist and also so distant from my actual audience especially now that I am off social media.

Soft Artists are useful. I trust it. I do.

​If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can Venmo Tip me for My Labor at @ohyeadiana or Join My Underground Corner on Patreon. The Support is Greatly Appreciated! ​
​

There is Allowed to Be Beauty, Rage, Shame, Delicateness, Tenderness, Insanity, Exquisiteness, Anger, Cuteness, Aliveness, Boredom, All, Oceans, Rocks, Rivers. This is what Sonic Ritualism means to me.  
All of this can exist inside our Bodies. And my beauty has been used against to talk me out of feeling it all. This is The Offering. Something Truly Beautiful to Me. Beautiful = Soulful. When I can feel the SOUL. I love this. I love making this. And I love offering it: "We Don't Own the Mountains" 

If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can Venmo Tip me for My Labor at @ohyeadiana or Join My Underground Corner on Patreon. The Support is Greatly Appreciated! ​

It's not that I want to leave the Industry.

It's that I want The Industry and I to be in a healthier relationship and I know I am not the only one who feels this way and I have Huge Faith.

Giant Leaps of Faith.

Gold Star Leaps of Faith that I am meant to be supported in my Excavation of Vulnerability.

How could I ever leave The Industry?

When I am A Creator, Performer, Gatherer, Cultivator, Channeler DOWN TO MY BONE. "BONE" isn't even the right word for it. It's softer than "BONE." It's CORE. It's SOUL. It's the SOFT MARROW inside the BONE.

Tilling to the Underground, Taking people in, in their Validity, Even Still.

I write for Prophecy. For When I Am Gone. For the Fearless Moment. I write here because this is My Corner.

And I am healing. That makes me Tend to my Soft Marrow. I love Creation and I always will. And I deserve Protection. I call in My Protectors. It's exhausting being Your Own Protector. I'm not getting paid enough for it As An Artist. Someone else will be paid enough to be The Protector though. And I will be paid as an Artist. Carried and Blessed.

These are prayers now.

I take the Suicides of Queer and Trans Artists personally.

If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can Venmo Tip me for My Labor at @ohyeadiana or Join My Underground Corner on Patreon. The Support is Greatly Appreciated.

Thank you for the Gifts of Belonging.
​

Not only have I bitten it 

I have sucked it
I have teased it 
I have licked it 
​I have had my mouth covered by it 
I have held hands with it 
I have conspired with it 
I have paid rent with it 
I have gone to the hospital with it 
I have partied with it 
I have slipped it into my back pocket 
It has brought me purpose and passion and electricity 
It has given me community 
It has brought me to my greatest heights and lowest lows 
It pets me, I pet it 
I full throttle finger it 
Artists fuck the Hand that Feed Us  
Artists Are Sexual Subs Doms Switches and Power Players 

And I want a Clean Slate 

I want my Fairy Wand Cleanse because the Love I Make to this Hand that Feeds Me is Mine to Make 
And these are My Breaths to Take 

The Pauses I can ask for 
The Body I put on the line 
The Collaborative Effort of Our Love on the Line
of a Vision I Want to Protect 
Where My Words: "Now, Hold On" which can mean: 
"Now, Hold On" - "please clarify" 
"Now, Hold On" - "I need more time" 
"Now, Hold On" - "Are you alright" 
"Now, Hold On" _ "Dance Break" 
"Now, Hold On" - "Do we have really have enough money to do this?" 
"Now. Hold On" - "I don't think that person is doing okay" 

Not only do I bite the hand that feeds me 
but I am in a life-saving business with it.
So don't come at me with denial 
That we are not in vulnerability with one another 
That we are not in a Sacred Union 
That this is just is like any other Job where we clock in and clock out 
When you are Selling my Vulnerability and I'm a Professional CockTease. 


​If this writing meant anything to you, please consider supporting me on my Patreon so I can continue sharing my truth. 

Spiral up, y'all.

Spiral up.

One of the most healing things about...well...Healing is getting out of the Narrative of: Something is Wrong With You.

I write here for the 3AM Moments.

For the People who will find this at 3AM

To let them know that Their Ugly is Matched.
And Their Beauty is Matched.
And Their Wild is Matched.
And Their Anger is Matched.
And Their Confusion is Matched.
And Their Longing is Matched.

Things that Help Me Through:
Compassion somehow always allows for my brain to get to an Action-Oriented State of Being
Where I no longer hide within myself
And feel unworthy of love
Unworthy of sharing

I see my Healing as a Creative and Courageous Act.

I see my Healing as a Contribution.

Because I know that I am not the Only Slutty Queer Korean-American Multi-Hyphenate Musician Singer Writer Actor Unboxable Artist Born of Parents Whose Parents Never Went to Therapy Who I Wish Did. And also I know my Voice is Singular that is why it must be spoken and not hidden. That is why I am thankful to those who speak. Artists like Zoe Kim. Renee Rapp. Angelina Jolie. Nina Simone. Every Artist I respect is thankful to Nina Simone because I know we know she spoke her truth down to the BONE and she did not allow for the industry or for society to gaslight her. And she was protected by the gifts God gave her. And I think I feel that same way. I feel protected by the gifts God gave me.

My heart is full of goodness and love. My body is full of appetite and nuance. And also trauma. So much trauma. Trauma that I work on everyday to heal and regulate and alchemize into something useful. This is where I thank God for my Gifts.

Because when I alchemize, I feel the purification: like a Himalyan Salt Lamp.

I guess I just don't believe in being the Artist who only shares the Highlight Reel. I believe in being the Artist who was Transparent in how my Crystal formed.

If this writing meant anything to you, please consider supporting me on my Patreon so I can continue sharing my truth. 

I viscerally have a response to people who heal so publicly that they make entire livings off of it.

And at the same time, when I am in the quietest of corners, all by myself: I am grateful to some of these vulnerable a.f. corners for saving my life. Especially when I personally know the cost of what it means to follow through on a Whisper within oneself to offer of oneself.

The memoirs on recovery and trauma and surviving and the ugliest of ugliest admittances: it's like my body can finally exhale because I no longer have to be the only one 1) thinking about it 2) having a flashback about it 3) holding it.

It's everything that my last relationship didn't let me hold in my body. It's everything that my last relationship shamed me for. There was no space for Freeze State. For my Gentle Retreating Child Self. When I went into Freeze State, I got blamed. The person I was with got mad at me, would lose their temper with me, would take their frustration out on me. And it just Froze Me Up Even More. Which only made their temper worse. But by then, I was already enamored with how I had finally met someone who MATCHED my level of adventure, magic, and, romance. By the time I met their temper, I was already groomed by the magic. What we were missing was the trauma-informed care.

The incredibly sexy thing about being single is that I gaslight myself for no one and my body knows this luxury now. And it's fucking sexy. Being intentionally single does not mean that I do not have Powerhouse Heroes in my life who I care for and who care for me and who we provide immense pleasure and adventure for. Being intentionally single does mean that my heart is intentionally reserved for WHEN it is safe to be in love someone again and that is to not be rushed. I don't lie to myself anymore. MY SAFETY IS MY CROWN NOW. And I do not give that freely. My Safety is Earned. And I do not love you unless I feel safe. My body knows this luxury: to become attached to you, I have to feel safe with you.

As I heal from this person, I realize how they studied what made me feel safe: they referred to themselves as a "quick study" after all. They talked shit about every. single. person. they. ever. dated. I ignored those red flags. Because: romance. magic. queer. pleasure. adventure.

I think the only person I can see myself with at this point is a Tantric Trauma-Informed Somatic-Therapist Who is Just As Into Edging As I Am (Sweaty Panting-Face Emoji).

When I write here, I feel God. I feel other people. I feel the people who are supposed to find me. Who I am supposed to find. I feel brave. I feel worthy. I feel honest.

I know what happened to me in that last relationship behind closed doors and I shudder for Whoever's Next. Let me rephrase. I shudder if that person has a Freeze Response like mine and needs Softness. I feel like the next movement of Me Too is Who's Next.

And with that, it's out of my body and I release the shame, embarrassment, and shunning that makes me feel captive to isolation in silence. The insidious nature of how interracial supremacy in relationships goes unnamed. How they put my lights out. How being in a predominantly white community where I hadn't a single friend to talk to about it just made it feel...well...like Get Out. And now I spiral back up, brighter and more healed. I gather the pieces of Me back that make me sparkle, that the community never got to see or appreciate. They absolutely know not what they do. The journey it leads me to is no more Gaslighting: not for society, not for my audiences, not for my the Institutions who hire me: Because the Spell I cast here is: Honesty. Heathful Detox. I purge with intention, to get Me Back. The Strongest Version of Me.

If this writing meant anything to you, please consider supporting me on my Patreon so I can continue sharing my truth. ​

Oh my god that feels so good to write in a public kind of way. 

What is about public declarations that feels so so so liberating? 

When I google the question: "why does publicly coming out feel so good" here is what I receive: 

"Publicly coming out can feel good because it allows a person to finally live authentically, embracing their true identity without the stress of hiding, which can lead to increased self-esteem, a sense of relief from the burden of secrecy, and a stronger connection with others who share a similar experience; essentially, it's the feeling of being able to be fully yourself in the world without fear of judgment or rejection."

"Key reasons why coming out can feel positive:

• Reduced stress:
  No longer having to hide or constantly worry about being "found out" can alleviate significant psychological stress. 
• Increased self-acceptance:
  Openly acknowledging one's identity can lead to greater self-worth and personal validation. 
• Building genuine connections:
  Being open about who you are can foster deeper, more authentic relationships with friends and family. 
• Sense of belonging:
  Connecting with a community of people who share similar experiences can create a strong sense of belonging. 
• Empowerment:
  Taking the step to come out can feel empowering, demonstrating courage and self-advocacy."

According to Allure: 
"Studies have shown that coming out as LGBTQIA can relieve pain and alleviate some symptoms of mental illnesses, like anxiety and depression." 

According to Reddit: 
"Coming Out to Supportive People feels so good." 

I experimented with whether I was going to write about this on Substack or on my Personal Blog. I eventually chose My Personal Blog because hating on Christmas felt...deeply personal. And it felt like: what I refer to as A 3 AM Moment. A Life-Saving Moment. The Piece of Writing that I myself would find and connect with as a child of immigrants and say: "Thank God no one took this Artist's Teeth Away." 

Healing from my last relationship: the way that the person ended it was by pumping me with so many love chemicals that my brain went into overdrive, they crossed me over into a relationship and then ended it the very next day, shut me out of a community that I had just moved to and saw zero problem with it. They blind-sidedly ended things and went cold and it physically caused harm to my body: my stomach literally dropped when I saw them flip from hot to cold overnight and saw them turn into a completely different person...when I told them I was scared, their reaction was Anger. Their reaction was to take their frustration out on me for me being scared by the sudden change. I sat on the other end of the Video Call trying to calm their temper and anger down when they snapped back at me with, "I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID IT!" Who was I to be scared? They snapped back at me with how they meant it when they told me they loved me two days ago and said "I want to give you everything you need."

I am so traumatized by Upstate, New York. Bucolic is Code For: Just, No. That's a No for Me, dawg.

I am so traumatized by being with this person. 

I am so traumatized by Silence. 

The United States of America has an incredible relationship with Silence. 

The Entertainment Industry has an incredible relationship with Silence. 

The thing about Healing is that Silence stops being Cute. 

I don't owe This Person my Silence. Meditation isn't Healing for me when the trauma is Being Silenced. Holding it inside is Actually Just Gaslighting Myself. I am not a Silent Warrior. I'm a Warrior who will write this and someone will find it at 3 in the Morning. And this writing will save their life and they will get out. They will stop Gaslighting Themselves. The way that I needed to stop Gaslighting myself. Maybe people in this very town will find this. And Get Out. 

I hate Christmas because I love my Nervous System. 
I hate Christmas because I hate the Overspending. I hate the Charade. I hate Santa and how rapey he feels sometimes. I hate how drunk everyone gets on the streets between December 23 to December 25. I hate how obligated everybody feels to each other. 

And mostly my body, and my system is in recovery from how my family felt pressured during the Holidays, growing up in America. I have a lot of painful memories straddling the confusion of being Korean-American. And being my parent's child during Christmas. And I don't really feel like being gaslit into happiness during Christmas. 

I long for a lover who understands that. 
A group of friends who really understand that. 
Who are down AF to create new traditions around Christmas that don't involve Gifts. I want them to involve laying down, doing less, making bracelets. buying nothing. 

This is the second year in a row that I am spending Christmas alone. 

Am I happy? 
Am I sad? 
... 
I'm alive so I'll take that as the win. 
I'm creating so I'll take that as the win. 
I'm becoming clearer and clearer on my artistry so I'll take that as the win. 
I'm getting REM sleep so I'll take that as the win. 

Do I still miss the person who clipped my nerves because I believe we gave each other the greatest adventure? Sure.  Was I handled so irresponsibly and in a way that I wish upon no one? Sure. 
Is my life full of other Loves and Adventures that fill my grateful heart and send me soaring? Sure. 
Do I have an understanding of Love Songs and Heartbreak Songs that I never did before that make me want to break glass? Sure. 
Does my heart break for my Mother everyday as I think about how she has navigated living in this world and how much I long for a lover to understand that? Sure. 
Do I know that that is the love I give to myself now and that is the love I deserve? Yes. And that is what gets me off now.

Love, 
Zaza

dedicated to those in pain on Christmas