how to make it in hollywood. survive. through the terrors of wealth being run by out-of-touch leaders in power and the trickle down effect of that terror. use all the power of Manifestation and Visualization to attract that abundance of wealth to you, while you bite into it silently as you channel God through you. Only til you make it with visibility and with dollars: can you finally FINALLY say something. After you survive the Gauntlet. And heal on your own through these systems of lacking care. Only then do you have influence against the people trying to wipe out communities of people who you LOVE. We have an Empathy problem in this country. We have a self-hatred problem in this country.  We have a greed problem in this country. No one needs to be a billionaire. No ONE. And that money is compensating for fear. If people need respite, need a holding hand, if any marginalized artist is struggling financially right now, please reach out and let me know: because we have to come together right now to stay alive. @aoc talked about the emotional dysregulation as a tactic, and we need to get regulated to stay in action. To stay alive. Money has been why my body has felt sacrificed - and money is what this comes down to. It’s f*cking sad. I will get it wrong, and I will face judgement, but that will not stop me from trying to do right in this world. Artists ARE Warriors. And to the Artists who navigate these Terror Moments in silence and reach excellence, to turn back around and extend a hand reaching out. Thank You. And to the Artists protecting these Artists. And to the people protecting them. Artists, may you heal so that you can use your LIGHT for GOOD. As you channel God through you. I just wish we did not revere Award Systems that perpetuate Systems of Violence. Maybe I'm using the Law of Manifestation against me now. But the Silence around it in this Industry has me FREAKED OUT. I will lose support for speaking out. I will lose funding. I will gain my integrity. I will gain my power. I won't die silently with it inside of me ANYMORE. 

Venmo Tip Me for My Labor: @ohyeadiana 
​www.patreon.com/dianaoh

​

Sh*t is Bleak. 

I'm writing here as a record to myself. 

Because I refuse to be Forgotten. 

Even to myself. 

I am listening to AOC speak talking about how we cannot bypass taking Fascism down: and that she is giving a "lock-in" conversation that cannot be turned into a bite-sized Tik Toks. 

I APPRECIATE THIS. SOME VULNERABILITY IN POLITICS AND WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

I need to be offering my practices. 

Because I believe in what I am able to do. 

Maybe it's time to leave the U.S. and move to Thailand where the cost of living is lower. Much much much lower. Much Lower. 

Because being in the U.S. as an Artist right now. Feels so painful. When you are one who speaks the truth. 

The abandonment is real. 

You can show your support by Joining my Patreon so I can continue to protect My Vulnerability or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.

I pray that I find the container to hold me 
that keeps me safe and holy. 

My body and heart is broken from the trickle down effect of a terribly broken system run by needing to meet a bottom line whose finish line keeps moving in real time: and what gets throttled around is my body. Is my heart. Shattered. 

I long for me. 

I long for me. 

I long for me. 

For my Full Body to Come Back to Itself. 

Because I am creating work that takes care of me. And who will take care of me as a Producer if the Producers are Ragged. If everyone at the top is under the same Mind Control of Body Throttle. 

I seek my independence and safety with people who will safely hold me. 

Because I experienced not being safely held when I was told I would be. When I spoke up for my needs. When I receive the Yes, And We Love You For It, And We Will Be Here For You. 

Where is my Art safe? 
Is it my fault for opening up my heart when I was asked to? 
Is it my fault for opening up my heart that wide? 
For not recognizing that I was not safe? 
Because it makes me feel like I belong nowhere. 
And it is a Beating that I take in Silence. 

So I am coming to save me. 
The Broken Bits that I can't throw out because they are attached to me. 

I pray for my Art to be Held as I know it Deserves to Be. As I hold the people who I want to gather in magical ways. It's the very least I deserve: For My Body to Be Met with Safety, when I'm being asked to RIP OPEN MY HEART TO LET EVERYONE IN. 

So I venture for better. 
I pulled away because my body didn't make it. 

But I know the True Power of my Work. Because I know the True Power of my Love. Because I know the True Power of my Heart. Because I know the True Power of my Healing. Because Wisdom comes from Pain. And I was betrayed. 

And that betrayal lives in me. Still pushing hard against my chest. It burns. I pray for my Freedom of Expression. I pray for my chest to open. I pray for Art Daddy. Because I'm writing to you now. I write to God to hear me. Who knows I'm good for it. Who knows why I'm here and all I have to do is Listen and Trust that what did not break me - though it did break me - was not meant to kill me - though I did die. I am meant to heal people with my work. I am meant to live in the light of my love. My Love which is My Work. And Share that. Share my brave heart. 

Things have been built on my back after I was turned over and done with - my Vulnerability sucked out of me. 

And I pray for better Lovers, better Holders, the Holders to be Healed. To hear me when I speak. 

Because I used my voice and I was not heard. 

But here as I write: I use my heart. 

I survive off the Soul Food to Nourish Me - even if I go hungry in my organs for my Heart needs healing. 

I have a distrust for the Power Hungry. Because I know the cost. 

I have a distrust for anyone who thrives off my silence. Rightfully So. And so I pray: I pray for the thriving of my Healed Heart and Spoken Voice. 

The way my magic has been used and thrashed around. 
When I was specifically brought in to protect vulnerability, and yet when I spoke up for my needs, I was pushed aside. Because of other people's Ambition. That outsized the Capacity of Care. That I was under the impression I'd receive. 
I need better care. As an Artist. 
My Art deserves it. 
What was built on my back. 
my heart. 

It just hurts. 

because the industry has a trickle down effect. 
That makes me not want to be here on Planet Earth anymore. 

I don't know where my art belongs.

But I know I am an Artist. 

The pain is: bleak. 

How much Artists suffer behind closed doors to: provide their Art. 

and I speak on it and there's a shunning. 

the shunning can be a homecoming. 

but the homecoming is: isolating. 

I believe in my work. I love my work. Who is going to meet me with the Standards of Care I communicate? Harm was done to my body. I have PTSD from the very platform that makes my work visible. 

Where do I go? 

It's a lonesome and brave road. 

To choose your own healing over "success." 

THE CALL TO THE ARTIST:

Why Artists are Necessary in Times of Chaotic Disarray
​
Liberotica
by Diana Oh “Zaza D”

You can either die
or heal
Those were the two options I was faced with.
Either the pain I was born into could swallow me whole
The pain done to me could take me under
The pain I was not equipped for nearly did me in
In complete isolation.
Or
I figure out a way to let it soften me
so that I did not turn into a fucking rock.

Because I’d rather be a scared human being with a warm hand that can at least offer to hold yours,
than turn into a mean fucking rock.
And I was turning into a scared fucking rock.
Trauma is a Silencer.
It took away my once brave heart.
The Permission Slip got ripped up
by someone else.
Who ran away with My Pen.
Nowhere to be found.
I didn’t have a notepad to even begin to write a To-Do List for myself
So I disappeared.
Into myself.
Not even myself.
Into a Black Sky of Unrecognizable.
And it was Other People Who Made Me Feel This Way.
So I’m a Person Now Who Loves People Who Is Afraid of People
I didn’t used to be like this.
I used to be
Adventuresome
Endlessly
with a Big Smile
Now I am someone with Bigger Arms, even if my Smile is not as Big. My Arms are Bigger. From Whatever it is I Survived.

Society needs help connecting with the heart
IT ALL needs help connecting with the heart
Things catch fire when an Evolution is in the midst.
And dropping in is Necessary.
This is where NASTY Vulnerable Artistry Comes In.
This is where WHAT TURNS YOU ON Comes Through.
THIS IS WHERE YOU REACH DOWN, YOU REACH DOWN, YOU REACH DOWN AND YOU FUCKING TRUST IN THE ART DADDY TO HOLD YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING ARTIST AND YOU BETTER FUCKING ART. THIS IS SALIVA AND SILK AND THE THING THAT OPENS YOUR THROAT AND MAKES YOU GRAB YOUR FRIENDS AND TURNS YOUR LIGHT BACK ON

THIS IS ELECTRICITY.

THIS IS HUMANITY.

THIS IS THE PROGRAMMING NOT WORKING BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMING IS NOT WORKING. BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMING IS NOT WORKING. BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMING IS NOT WORKING.

Because Society Will Lose what Society Does Not Value.

And we have to value Ourselves. And it has ALWAYS been that way through history. HASN’T IT?!

IT HAS.

WE HAVE BEEN THE ONES TO SAVE ONE ANOTHER.

TO WATER EACH OTHERS’ BONES WHEN THEY HAVE BEEN BRITTLE.

TO DRY EACH OTHERS’ TEARS - No, ABSOLUTELY FUCK THAT - TO LET EACH OTHER CRY WHEN WE HAVE NEEDED TO. TO LET EACH OTHER CRY WHEN WE HAVE NEEDED TO.

SO CRY. CRY I SAY. CRY OUT. BECAUSE THE PROGRAMMING IS HEALING. AND YOU’RE CALLING ON THE DEEP RADICAL HEALING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IN SECRECY. AND WHAT’S HAPPENING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS IS FUCKING PROFOUND AND RADICAL.

Whether that’s Radical in your Healing
In your Food
In your Nutrition
In your Love
In your Body
In your Partnership
In the choices you make
In how you take in the news
In your deliberate change
YOU have CHOICE
And we’re all connected more than we think
I’ve pulled my energy out of many things to pour my energy into other things to find that energy of other things have found me
This is a time to Listen and to Be Brave at a Time when WE ARE ALL AFRAID and NO ONE IS GOING AWAY, NOT THEM and NOT US, AND NONE OF OUR PARTS.
WE ARE ALL IN SURVIVAL MODE. AND OUT OF IT. AND BACK IN AGAIN.

So, Heaven on Earth is still Possible.
Because we can have it in Moments.
Because we must.
Because that’s what being Social Is.
That’s what Having a Pet Is.
That’s what Making Love Is.
That’s what Taking a Breath Is.
That’s what Creation Is.

This can All Be Easier Than We Think.

Everyday, I will remember to Pleasure Domme my Way There.

Creativity is My Crown Amidst the Fuckery.
A Professional of the Beating Heart.
Remember what You are the Professional Of.
Remember what Turns You On.
With all the Shame, Guilt, or Embarrassment Thereof. EMBRACE it.
With all the Sweat, Yes, or Confusion Thereof. EMBRACE it.
In your Isolation.
In your Together.
In your Pain.
In your Fury.
In your Joy.
With or Without your Medication
Because you were born and you’re here and you’re not going anywhere - BE THE PERMISSION SLIP THAT GOT TORN UP AND BURNT AND CHOKED, FREE YOURSELF WITH A JOURNAL, WITH A ROCK, WITH A TO-DO LIST, WITH ONE STEP, WITH ONE TEAR, PROTECT CREATION, FOLLOW THE WHISPER THAT IS POUNDING AGAINST YOU UNSTOPPABLY.
AND Create from the Place that you need to Listen to with YOUR HEART.
Otherwise The Chokehold of Trauma is What Wins.
And The Chokehold of Trauma is What Runs this Administration.
So With Whatever Voice You May Have from your True Heart, Please For the Sake of Your Deep Breath,
Let it Out.

Love,
Diana Oh “Zaza D”

​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. You can show your support by Joining my Patreon so I can continue to protect My Vulnerability or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.

There is a Divination Quest No One Can Predict Every Time Something is Created.

​


​

The Call is to Be Myself to the Nth Degree. 

The Call is to Follow My Heart. 

The Call is to Be A Heartist. 

The Call is to Be An Outlier. 

The Call is to Take Care of the Edges. 

The Call is to Heal So Freakishly Deep, Deeper than the Parents and the Grandparents. 

Because I Survived Three Suicide Attempts, Which is the Same Amount My Aunt Survived. 

And Shamans Don't Try to Kill Themselves, They Try To Kill the Old Versions of Themselves. 

It's Not the Me That is Sick, It Is and Has Always Been Society. 

It's Not My Mother Who Keeps Me From Her. It's What Makes Life So Difficult that Keeps Us From Each Other.  

Whenever I Feel the Hurt, Which is More Often These Days, I Understand that I Cannot Will It Away - As Much as I Want To -- I Have to Hug It. 

I think this is what we really do get wrong about Society and about Healing. NONE OF US ARE GOING AWAY. NO ONE IS GOING AWAY. WE HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT EVERYONE IS STAYING. EVERY SINGLE BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY PART OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. And we are here. We are stuck here. So what is in our control? 

I have to cry. I won't let anything or anyone talk me out of my tears. Because they are there. I physically feel them. Accept and Let Them Pass. And Onto the Next! And WEE!

And I share the things that help my Nervous System Reset. 

The words came to me this morning as I awoke in bed.

To be honest, I have been dreading waking up - everyday. I wish I could write here and say: I WAKE UP EVERYDAY FEELING FRESH! and HAPPY! BUT I DON'T. I have to do my breathing, meditations, somatics, visualizations, and HARD CUDDLES with Shovels each night before falling asleep and each morning before getting out of bed. I've just picked him up and placed him on my lap while I write. He's truly one of the greatest wonders on this still green earth.

Understanding the layers of Trauma that this Administration is having on us collectively as I receive text messages from friends, as I run into people in the streets, or at Functions. Understanding what I know now from Trauma as we abandon ourselves in Survival Mode. Understanding that there is what happens to us inter-personally and then and then and then.

And Understanding that Trauma really shuts the body down, the voice down, the creative outlet down. I've experienced it first-hand. In this last relationship I was in. It was truly awful. To have my vulnerability thrashed around. And to have my vulnerability caged. To be put in a communication prison. To have a 2D Version of Me Made Up By Someone and Have that Version Spread Around Like a Paper Doll Amongst Friends and Have Me Shut Out. There Was Nowhere For Me to Turn. The Theta-Healer called it my Initiation. It's how I found Somatics, after all. It's how I healed layers and layers within my body. It's how I truly learned the inner workings of Supremacy at play. Supremacists don't know they are Supremacists. They really think they are Good People. I was made to think I was Awful Scum. And that's how we have to function in this world.

The healing is on us. We cannot control other people. We really can't. What we can control is the healing of our Bodies in a Society that will choose to Snuff of us Out. Deplete us of our Agency, Worth, What We Actually Mean to Say. Our Humanity. That's What REALLY Hurt the Most. The Way My Humanity Was Taken From Me In The Relationship. The Way An Ex Twisted Me Into Someone I'm Not To Make of Themselves a Hero and So that A Community of People had Something To Do and Turned Me Into Cheap Gossip as Entertainment. The Ex Posted Cruel Things About Me On Social Media. It Was a Complete Turn-Around. Quite Literally. Terrifying. When I Tried To Reach Them. I Was Denied Access. It Broke Every Queer Code In My Book. It Broke Me.

And the only Advice I was getting was to: Heal (Suffer) in Silence (Behind Closed Doors). The Messaging I was receiving was that I had brought it upon myself: I had attracted it all.

What I know is that I'll likely never attract it into my life again. And I have a heaviness around my chest and throat that I did not used to have, and a gaze in my eyes for people that can hold more space for them, I GOT FUCKBOYED. IT TRULY IS THAT SIMPLE. BY SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER ADMIT IT BECAUSE THEIR PRIDE IS HUBUNGO AND I'LL NEVER GET THE APOLOGY AND MY BODY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AND SUCH IS THE WORLD AND SUCH IS LIFE AND THIS IS THE F*CKING PATRIARCHY AND I AM F*CKING LIVID AND GOOD GIRLS GET MURDERED END OF STORY AND MY BODY IS RECOVERING FROM BEING DRIVEN MAD AND SICK BY A SICK SICK BOY AND THE SOCIETY WHO LETS HIM RUN FREE.

AND WE ARE GETTING FUCKBOYED. AND WE GOTTA HEAL OURSELVES. Because society will not take care of us right now.

THIS IS A TIME THAT IS CALLING FOR RADICAL SH*T.

Yes, it hurts. I have to validate my pain to heal it. Because I was refused closure. I was refused community care. It was confusing, puncturing, and cheapened the connection we had. It did not match what was asked of me. It did not honor what I honored of them. It broke trust. Trust was deeply broken. I have a say here. This is my corner to say it in. It was dysregulating. It was heartbreaking. It broke me. Into millions of pieces. I wish it upon no one. I was in an environment in isolation. Away from people who loved me. I did not feel loved. I was not loved. 

And so I felt no choice but to want to remove myself from this Earth. I very much lived somewhere that did not value me. It actively DEVALUED ME. 

And that is my experience of Upstate, New York. 

And it will take awhile until I feel safe in a Small Town. 

And there you have the Makings of Get Out, the film. 

And there you have the Creators like Jordan Peele. And Comedians like Tiffany Haddish. And the reasons why Artists need to have their Voice and not go Dim and Lights Out. Because when I say my lights went out. 

I MEAN MY LIGHTS WENT OUT. 

Because I've been kick-dropped not just by a boy. But by other things as well. And the healing is on my Soul to muster up - it's what I was born into.

It hurts like bananas town to be alive right now. What I do know is that - it feels really really good to get together with people who get it and can laugh at it. Really really good.

I can either die - or...live.

And maybe the Ex does have it in them to apologize and wake up. If held in community enough. If they knew enough that they won't lose EVERYTHING by waking up and saying sorry for causing me SO MUCH PAIN AND HURT AND UTTER DESTRUCTION. My healing is separate from their apology. My joy is separate from their apology. My art is separate from their apology. My art has nothing do with vengeance. My healing has do with MY LIBERATION. MY LIVING OF MY LIFE. And it is HARD. IT IS HARD. Some days all I can do is: make a cup of coffee, do some breathing meditations, write here, drink some water, walk outside, look into becoming a sex worker, make a cup of cacao, do my skincare, writer a prayer to God: (today's began with: "What the f*ck God"), TRY TO MAKE THE BED, make a list of my gifts and what I was put on Earth to do, make a list of how I am actively feeling to ensure that I am not being dishonest with myself, check my text messages, think about the things I would be doing if I didn't feel so burnt out, DO MY SOMATIC ROCKING anytime I feel that heavy heavy weight in my chest, make a YouTube video if I feel like it because it feels important to just follow simple impulses right now because if there's anything that Trauma does to you: is it takes away ALL YOUR JOYFUL CREATIVE IMPULSES THAT YOU ONCE HAD.

And at that: Pleasure is my Cauldron, Creativity is my Crown.


​​I tend to the Underground so people can thrive. If you're here, you may have seen my work on stage or on screen or in the streets. You can show your support by Joining my Patreon: my Lit AF Sacred Corner or be Guided by Your Dope North Star.

"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and...love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love." - Martin Luther King Jr.

"Knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power." - Lao Tzu. Tao Te Ching

These two quotes begin Kasia Urbanak's Unbound's A Woman's Guide to Power. ​Kasia Urbanak is a Dominatrix and A Taoist Nun.

I have just finished listening to today's Episode of Fresh Air which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND EVERYONE LISTEN TO IF YOU WOKE UP WITH YOUR HOPE DOWN THE DRAIN.

None of our Negative Feelings are Permanent.

And I KNOW. I KNOW THAT ARTISTS RIGHT NOW FEEL FUCKING USELESS. This is why the spiritual center is essential.

Scholars Tressie McMillan Cottom and Eddie Glaude reflect on the struggle for civil rights and what it means to celebrate King on the same day that President Donald Trump is sworn into office. They speak to MLK's creative and artistic ability to speak and to rouse.

I needed to hear Eddie Glaude's point of becoming so overcome by MLK's leadership that we just lay below him, kissing at his feet, unaware of where to go next.

We need a next of where to go.

We need to heal the stuck. We need to heal our wounds. Our personal wounds that have us frozen. And afraid. And doing nothing.

MLK was considered a RADICAL in his time. Was considered written off. Was something to be feared. Was ahead of his time. HE SPOKE OUT. WE ARE BEING ASKED TO DO THE SAME.

TO BE RADICAL.

Admittedly, it hurts to be alive right now.

Truly, it fucking hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

It personally hurts because I feels so deeply devalued. And I am hungry. I am poor. And it isn't fucking fair. As A RADICAL ARTIST. A RADICAL THINKER. And I also retain hope. THAT MY RADICAL IS EXACTLY WHAT IS NEEDED.

Scholar Tressie McMillan Cottom: "History repeats itself. I like to think of history as a spinning top - that even as it moves forward, it wobbles, and the interior of it is going round and round. So sometimes progress does feel like turning in circles. And that our commitment to a transactional hope that when we do the hard work, when we go out to vote, when we sign a petition, when we march, that there has to be an immediate return to those actions to justify taking yet another action. Is one of the ways that the neoliberal order that Eddie has spoken about so eloquently here that so many of us are suffering through convinces us to divest from the things that matter to us. You do the thing that matters, whether it feels like you are moving forward or not. Because the thing about history is that you really don't know where you're standing until it has passed. That's why in the moment, we are supposed to be guided by something more, something bigger - morality, accountability, responsibility to ourselves, to our values, to one another. And that this is not the first time we've been called to do that. I take a lot of comfort in that. You know, Eddie says that's the reason why he chose that speech because it so mirrors our current moment. I actually take a lot of comfort in the fact that we have been here before, and we've not only survived it, we have figured it out. And so I think that we will continue to figure it out, but we probably need to give up the transactional nature of our hope and do the thing that needs to be done because it needs to be done. That's our responsibility to history."
​

Fierce

Ferocious

My body is not forever

And I've got to remember it

And I want my own Yearbook

Social Media is - I'm not sure of it yet

If I go back there yet.

So far

My guides haven't sent me back there.

So, into the self-portraiture world I go.

Of Cultivation.

And Expression.

Magnetism.

Spirituality.

My Tantric Practice.

Where Power is the Lighthouse.

And Love is Power.

And Play is Power.

And Fun is Power.

And Creation is Power.

AND I'M HEAVEN ON EARTH IN THE MIDST OF A STORM.

THIS IS SEX MAGICK. THIS IS SEX WORKER. THIS IS DIVINITY. THIS IS ART. THIS IS WHAT ARTISTS WERE MADE FOR. PLEASURE IN THE MIDST OF GREED AND HAVOC. HEALING IN THE MIDST OF VIOLENT AND VIOLATING EMULSIFICATION. TO EACH THEIR OWN.

I find my own starlight and gift it to others. The heavy veil is lifted off of me. And I spin and I spin in a joyful romance to hold a loving embrace for many. It hurts to be misused. Use me, God, to Your Will - for those in need, in the name of Divination, in my own Truth, to Serve Beyond.